Nature vs. Nurture - a different take by Dr. Barkley
Why you should not feel guilt over how your kids turn out
As parents, we frequently feel guilt over how our kids turn out, thinking we could have done something differently or more. Unlike the previous post of nature vs. nurture, where I discussed Paul Tough’s belief that kids are shaped more by their environment than by genetics (see 21 July 2024 post), Dr. Russell Barkley’s take is that such traits as temperament, intelligence, and personality are shaped more by genetics.
In his view, “there is a threshold of influence—once basic needs for safety, love, and guidance are met, additional efforts to over-engineer a child’s success (e.g., excessive enrichment or micromanagement) are unlikely to yield significant results.”
He doesn’t say not to develop and guide your kids, but rather not beat yourself up if they don’t live up to your standards.
I tend to agree on the temperament and personality aspects of his argument, as all three of my kids are different, even though I tried to expose them to similar kinds of activities since childhood. I also see that they have different aptitudes, with the youngest one drawing better than anyone else in the family and assembling intricate structures with Legos and magnetic tiles, while the other two kids lag in both areas.
As far as personality goes, I experienced something interesting yesterday, which further reaffirmed my belief that my son is the kindest kid in my family, and not because of my ‘engineering’ of his kindness. My husband and I drove in two different cars to a friend’s house yesterday, as I planned to go home after dinner, and my husband wanted to meet up with another friend of his. When my husband asked who wanted to ride with him, my son and both of my daughters screamed they all wanted to go with him. I didn’t say anything, as I know I am not the fun parent in our household - I put rules in place and enforce them, so the kids love their father more. I am fine with not being loved more, because my goal is to raise decent individuals and not win a prize for being the most fun parent. No jab intended for my husband.
I leisurely dressed, made sure the stove was off, turned on the lights in front and back of the house, and headed out. My son stood outside and told me he wanted to ride with me. I smiled - he changed his mind because he didn’t want me to drive alone, and he didn’t want me to feel like I was not needed. This wasn’t the first time Michael displayed kindness towards me. Quite often, when I am sick or depressed, he is the first one to run and help me. In all the literature I have read and all the stories I have heard, girls are typically kinder to their parents. In our household, it’s my son, who is kinder, and I don’t have an explanation to that, except that he got a ‘kindness’ or ‘empathy’ gene, which is dominant in him, while my girls got only one allele (copy) of that gene instead of two :)
In February, when Michael finished his swim season, his school had a banquet for seniors, who were a part of the varsity swim team. Each parent of a senior was giving a speech about their kid and most praised theirs for kindness. I saw kindness in some of them, but not all of them. I remember being a timer for one of the earlier swim meets and several of them openly ridiculing my son’s jumps into the water. They didn’t know I was Michael’s mother. Unlike these guys, Michael started group swimming only last year and tended to plop into water instead of gliding into it. That has changed at the end of the season, when he finally started gliding in the air and then water with his jumps. So, parents thought their kids were kind, when in reality they might have been kind to their parents, but not to the rest of the world. Kindness, in my mind, is when you act kind not only to those who you can get something from, but also to anyone else, out of the goodness of your heart. In my mind, Michael has always been kind not only to me, but also to his fellow humans.
When I reached out to Michael’s Latin teacher a couple of weeks ago, explaining why he was late to his first bell class, I received the following response from him, which aligned with what I believe about my son:
I have never received such notes about my girls. They are typically praised for their academics, stubbornness in pursuit of their goals, and being great problem solvers. Michael, though, always gets praised for his kindness and manners first. As much as I would like to claim his behavior/temperament as my hard work, I suspect they are a product of his genetics.
I still try to develop and guide my kids, but I no longer blame myself for not developing certain traits in them. Instead, I embrace the fact my kids are all different and work with what I have, which is their unique genetic makeup.
😍