We don't panic. We self-regulate and come up with a new plan

Teach your kids to stay calm in times of uncertainty by being a good role model for them and showing the tricks of self-regulation

Photo by Xavier Mouton Photographie on Unsplash

I am a perfectionist by nature. If things don’t work out the way I expect them to, I get needlessly emotional and stressed, bathing in a tub of newly released cortisol and then wondering why I am tired and how I got here.

Maturity has taught me that feeling tired is linked less to the natural process of aging, and more to actively contributing to my tiredness by refusing to self-regulate my emotions and thinking. Roughly five years ago, I learned a trick, though, to calm myself down by talking to myself in the third person, whenever something unpleasant happened, which tested my ability to stay calm and collected: “What would Dalia do?” This acted like a turn-off switch, removing the emotional component of the situation I was in, and instead helping me pivot to the solution mode. The more you practice this, the better you get at self-regulating your emotions, as you actively think about your thinking or metathinking. You can even ask yourself different questions, again in the third person: “Why do we feel upset?” This shifts the focus away from you, lessens the emotional burden, and allows you to think more clearly. Scientific research backs this idea of self-regulation. Here is one such study, if interested in learning more:

Talking to yourself in the third person can help you control stressful emotions

Now to the application of this wonderful concept on a mini scale.

Last week, unexpectedly, I received a school app alert from my youngest daughter’s teacher, asking everyone to be ready for a potato parade scheduled for the next day. Naturally, I go into my inbox, thinking I somehow missed an earlier email update regarding this parade. Nope, nothing in my inbox. Once my daughter comes home, I sift through the papers in her backpack, trying to find a flyer regarding the parade, and once again find nada. Then I have a conversation with my daughter, who is clueless about the parade too, and starts to panic as she doesn’t know how to prepare for it. Obviously, it has something to do with potatoes, but to what extent, remains unclear… Do we dress as potatoes, make something out of potatoes, or play with potatoes? It’s four o’clock, and reaching out to the teacher is pointless, so I take a deep breath in and out and say: “What will mama and Leila do?” I also think of the big picture - this is first grade, doesn’t go on a high school transcript, doesn’t get detention or suspension if missed, so we are good. I grab a phone to reach out to another mom from the same classroom to ask about the parade, when I find a similar message from her: “What is a potato parade? Did we have a flyer about it?” I start laughing, as I find the whole situation rather comical, but being a responsible parent, I go a little further and reach out to my neighbors, whose kids go to the same school, with one being a year older than my daughter. I am told that you are expected to build something out of a potato and disguise it, kind of like you do with a turkey disguise project during Thanksgiving. Leila is still nervous that we will not have enough time to pull it off, but I assure her we have what’s needed the most for her project - potatoes!! I ask her to start with the basics and decide what she wants to build out of potatoes. She views some images online and goes back and forth between a hedgehog and a duck, finally picking the duck for her project. Next, we need to put the two potatoes together and decide against the toothpick, as it doesn’t seem sturdy enough. We make two holes in the potatoes via a metal straw and connect them with a quarter-inch wire, which seems to do the trick. Everything that follows seems easy. The whole project takes 15-20 minutes, and once we are done, Leila is smiling, as she likes the duck we created. Even though it’s just a potato duck, I feel happy that I didn’t overreact, start blaming the teacher for not giving an earlier notice, and waste my emotional energy on figuring out whose fault it is for not alerting us about the parade, instead concentrating on finding a solution.

It’s easier with younger kids, but once they get older, their issues and problems get bigger. For that reason, you have to expect the unexpected and train yourself early on to react calmly by asking questions in the third person, thinking of the bigger picture, and remembering they will follow your footsteps when it comes to handling negative experiences and uncertainty. With my older son, for example, I would get triggered with last-minute assignments, requiring me to drop everything and travel to a store to get the needed supplies, so now I have a stock of black and white posters, hundreds of markers, and several bottles of glue sitting at home to make sure I am prepared for the unexpected. I also ask my son to check his calendar a week ahead, letting me know what’s needed and telling him I would not travel at the last minute to fulfill his whimsical project request.

An ex-colleague of mine got triggered differently and on a bigger scale. Her son didn’t register for college classes, which made him miss one semester of college. She was quite emotional when she called me, and I acted like that third person to calm her down. I asked her only one question that mattered and which brought her back to the equilibrium state: “Will a missed semester matter to you or him in five years?” She answered no. I went further and suggested he work part-time and help out with chores, while he waits for the next semester to roll around.

One thing is certain for you and your kids - once you solve one problem, another one will pop up. If you learn to control your emotions by having a calm response to a less-than-ideal situation, you teach your kid to divert their energy to solve their issues, instead of wasting it on emotional response.